Anonymous Poo

A special glow

2008-11-21T06:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what makes Posh Spice look so dewy? Well, neither has Anonymous Poo. But AP was tickled when she came across this article in the Daily Mail:

"Victoria and David Beckham's secret to perfect glowing skin: Bird poo"

"Victoria, 34, has been regularly indulging in £100 Geisha Facials, using a paste made from nightingale droppings, to combat acne she has suffered since her teens.

A pal told Closer magazine: 'When Victoria was in Japan recently she was admiring the local women’s clear skin and discovered it was down to these facials.

'She was intrigued and when she got back to the US she found that some New York beauty salons now offer the treatment.

'She tried it and loved how great her skin looked. She also uses a cream derived from nightingale poo at home.'"

As much as Anonymous Poo loves a good facial, she would never smear bird poo on her face. And AP wonders how many nightingales have been harmed in the de-acneification of Posh's skin. Perhaps Posh should talk to Diddy about getting her a free month's supply of Proactiv. Surely Proactiv is more effective than a paste of bird fecal matter.

Then again, maybe AP is just bitter because she's never had a 100 pound beauty treatment.

Beauty and the Beast

2008-11-20T06:13:00.000-08:00

Faithful reader Basak snapped this photo while she was out one day and automatically thought of Anonymous Poo. She has titled it "The Beauty and the Beast."

Please admire the beautiful composition, the complementary colors, and the various textures of this photo. Doesn't that fig just make you hungry?

Thanks, Basak!

Why, hello.

2008-11-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

Anonymous Poo is back after a long hiatus. She apologizes for her laziness, but promises to be more (ahem) regular with her posting.

She thanks all of her readers for submitting post suggestions during her absence. Keep them coming, friends! Anonymous Poo can't do this all by herself.

Constipated

2008-07-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

Anonymous Poo apologizes for the long absence, dear readers. She hasn't had much to say this past month.

Believe it or not, AP has responsibilities outside of her blogging life and hasn't had much time to compose a decent post or research poo in the news. She promises to come back in full force soon.

Pinch a loaf

2008-06-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

T-shirt by naughtee available from cafe press.

This week's poo euphemism is an oldie but goodie:

"Pinch a loaf."

As in: "As soon as that bell rings, I'm gonna run to the john. I've gotta pinch a loaf before I soil myself."

Arts and craps

2008-06-17T07:33:00.001-07:00

Anonymous Poo wishes she had paid more attention during Home Ec at Girls Club. If she had, she'd know how to crochet and would make this happy guy for all of her friends.

Imagine the look on everyone's face when AP whips out her hook and thread on the bus and proceeds to crochet this guy. Ha!

Anyway, if you are handy with a hook and yarn, head over to puchitomato's blog and get the pattern. Then, send your creation to Anonymous Poo for, er, judging.

Happy crafting!

Image from puchitomato.

Thank you, Craig!

2008-06-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Anonymous Poo found this story on the Best of Craigslist and has to admit that she couldn't have made up a story this good.

Set in a public restroom somewhere in New York, an anonymous man searches for - and then finds - the perfect toilet stall and lets a fart rip, horrifying the man talking on the phone in the stall next to him.

A teaser:

"Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently."

You must read the story. It will make your day.

Build a poopie castle

2008-06-11T15:56:00.000-07:00

Anonymous Poo apologizes for forgetting to post a poo euphemism last week. To make up for it, she presents you with an especially delightful (and seasonal) euphemism this week:

"Build a poopie castle."

As in: "Yes, sweetie, Mommy will help you build a sand castle, but she has to build a poopie castle first."

Happy summer, dear readers!

"Poor" Farrah Fawcett

2008-06-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

According to today's New York Post, Farrah Fawcett has profited mightily from her ongoing battle with anal cancer:

"She worked a financial deal with "Entertainment Tonight" earlier this year where the show followed her around to treatments and showed Fawcett's friends videotaping her ordeal. Now, the footage shot by Fawcett's pals is being sold to NBC for "over $2 million," said a source.

Well, good for her. But what a terrible way to make a living. Godspeed, Farrah Fawcett!

Photo from Sign On San Diego.

To the ladies of the 7th floor

2008-06-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

If you feel the need to chat on your cell phone while using the multi-stall ladies' room, Anonymous Poo will feel the need to flush the toilet multiple times.

That's all.

A fail indeed

2008-06-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

Now how did this little guy manage to get his poo on the wall? He either has very good or very bad aim.

Photo from faildogs.com.

A doubly-deep hole

2008-06-04T07:25:00.001-07:00

u-dig-it camping trowel from Ron's Detectors.

Believe it or not, Anonymous Poo loves backpacking. A few years ago, she hiked from Saddlebag Lake, in Inyo National Forest, to Upper McCabe Lake, in the eastern edge of Yosemite. At an elevation of almost 11,000 feet, Upper McCabe Lake is above the treeline - that high up, (of course) there are no trees, visibility is high, and the ground is rocky.

Which means no woods, no privacy, and no easy digging of toilets.

In case you are unfamiliar with backpacking etiquette, to protect the frail environment and prevent any unsanitary conditions when using nature as your facilities, you should not utilize the same area repeatedly. But this is difficult when you are backpacking with seven other people, there are no trees to shield you, and the soil is rocky. You either have to walk a mile to find an untouched rock to squat behind (if you're a lady), or you have to convince your friends to simultaneously look away while you do your business. Never are anatomical gender differences more pronounced than when relieving yourself in nature.

Anyway, on her first morning at Upper McCabe, AP woke up early and staked a claim behind the largest and closest rock. Her companions weren't pleased. While AP made breakfast (bacon and pancakes and piping hot coffee), her friends plotted out their bathroom usage.

It was finally decided that the remaining ladies had first choice. When Mike (one of the less chivalrous men) objected, Cara (a wispy, 5-foot-tall former ballerina), looked at him, held up the potty trowel, and asked,

"Well, Mike - would you like me to dig a doubly-deep hole? I don't mind sharing."

Mike was quiet for a moment. He had an obvious crush on Cara, but wasn't yet ready for this degree of intimacy. "Umm, no."

"Fine, have it your way." And with that, Cara trotted off to the second-closest rock to do her business.

The moral of the story, gentle readers? Easy - the early bird gets a choice spot in which to park some bark, and gets to enjoy a cup of fresh, hot coffee sooner too.

More kawaii poo

2008-06-03T07:26:00.001-07:00

Poo and Paper Amigurumi Friends

Oh, love the button eyes! Love the slightly stunned look on Poo's face - and the big, string smile on TP's.

From artontherun's etsy shop. Love, love, love...

Barefoot in the park

2008-06-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, Anonymous Poo had a friend named Andie. Andie had grown up in the hills of Tennessee, where her closest neighbor was a mile away.

One day when she was seven or eight, Andie was running barefoot through the grass when she stepped in a large, fresh pile of poo. The poo was so fresh that it oozed through her toes. She never figured out whether it was human, dog, or cow poo; she just washed her feet and continued to play.

So, when AP read the article "Barefoot in the Park?" in the New York Times, she wondered if we're not getting a little too germ-phobic. The article states:

" ... the experts say, it is the grass in many city parks, so innocent-looking, so tempting, so redolent of the free-spirited days of childhood, that may pose the most unexpected risks, because unlike a rusty nail, they are invisible to the naked eye.

Bacteria are everywhere, from the sidewalks to the subway, and normally, the skin forms a fairly good barrier to infection, doctors said. In general, people with cuts or cracks on their feet or people with compromised immune systems are more likely to pick up an infection from walking barefoot. But getting wet feet by walking barefoot in damp grass can damage the skin’s natural barrier, allowing infections to take hold, said Dr. Giuseppe Militello, an assistant professor of clinical dermatology at Columbia University."

Whatever. People have been running barefoot in the grass for thousands of years. Anonymous Poo herself played shoeless on the family lawn (when her mother wasn't looking) and has somehow managed to survive.

It's summer, dear readers. Take off your shoes and romp through the grass. And if you happen to step in a pile of fresh poo, just wash your feet.

Photo from the New York Times.

"To bleach, or not to bleach?" - that is the question.

2008-05-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

Anal bleaching is quite in vogue these days. Apparently, a light-colored anus gives one a "younger-looking appearance." And, because bleached anuses are becoming de rigueur in much modern film of an erotic nature, they satisfy the cravings of demanding partners who watch a lot of porn.

Anyway, Anonymous Poo hadn’t known that a plump, pink sphincter was all the rage. She hasn’t looked at her anal area closely lately; should she be worried that her anus brands her as a hag?

So, in a quest for perpetual youth (a quest, by the way, that is frequently thwarted by numerous glasses of Manhattans and the occasional late night spent watching "Pride and Prejudice"), AP decided to get to the, err, bottom of this "treatment." She consulted her friendly Internets, and discovered the following:

The active ingredient in anal bleach is often hydroquinone. Hydroquinone is primarily used to treat hyperpigmentation (i.e. freckles, acne scars) on your face. Hydroquinone is also banned in much of Europe because it is carcinogenic. Cancer of the ass? No, thank you.

One can buy a DIY anal bleach kit, or pay a professional aesthetician (notice that AP skips this opportunity for a cheap joke) to administer the treatment. Now, really – if you can’t reach it or see it yourself, does it really need to bleached? And also, what sad, sad professional aesthetician administers this treatment? Is this punishment for failing Brazilian bikini wax school?

One can prevent anal staining and therefore reduce the need for anal bleaching by avoiding certain dark-colored foods, such as coffee, wine, berry juice and tea. Sure, your anal area is young, but is abstaining from wine and caffeine worth it?

Anonymous Poo thinks this is all too much work simply for the sake of a pink and youthful sphincter. Perhaps a little fiber and a healthy attitude towards one’s poohole are called for here. Let your sphincters be, gentle people. Just let them be.

p.s. This site delighted Anonymous Poo. In addition to selling anal bleach, it also purveys all kinds of things she thought only existed in the land of Austin Powers movies and email spam.

Poo you (that's right - you)!

2008-05-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

Ever wanted to send someone a bit of poo (out of disappointment, not out of love)? Well, Poo You makes it easy - and legal - for you to poo someone.

Perhaps someone stole the seat you'd been eying on the bus this morning. Maybe your evil coworker stole another one of your brilliant ideas. Or maybe your ex-boyfriend has been drunk texting you again. Well, tell all off them exactly how you feel by sending them a box of Poo You's poo!

This isn't some silly gimmick that parades itself as poo, but really is a piece of toxic, plastic crap made in China. No, Poo You's poo is truly 100% poo, made by worms. Oh, don't worry - it has been naturally sterilized and is odor free. Heck, it's 100% organic and 100% biodegradable.

Anonymous Poo is making her list and checking it twice. Problem is, the product is so clever and so beautifully packaged that she's not sure whether to send it to enemies or to friends...

Images from Poo You.

Disemfiber

2008-05-27T14:36:00.000-07:00

This week's poo euphemism:

"Disemfiber"

As in: "Of course, dear, Johnnie can come out to play - as soon as he disemfibers."

This dog didn't really fail...

2008-05-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

... he's been caught doing his business on Google Maps. How cool is that?

Anonymous Poo thinks this feat is a success, not a failure. AP gives him an "A+," not an "F."

By the way, Faildogs is the most brilliant site.

On remaining Anonymous

2008-05-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

Anonymous Poo recently dated a guy she’ll call Marcus. AP and Marcus had a lot in common. Their dates were great – flirtatious and entertaining. They managed to keep a great shtick going for hours.

After a few weeks, things seemed to be going well, so Anonymous Poo decided to tell Marcus more about her hobbies. Over dinner one night, AP leaned in and told Marcus, “I have a confession to make. I haven’t been completely honest with you about my extracurricular activities.”

A strange look passed over Marcus’ face. It was a momentary look of fear, clouded over by a look of curiosity. He took a slow sip of his wine (a nice rose, to go with the poached fish he was eating), then inhaled deeply, and said…

“Hmm… intriguing. What?”

“Well,” AP started. “I have a blog. About poo.”

“Umm… did you just say ‘poo?’”

“Yes. I blog about poo.”

“Like descriptions? With photos?”

“Pshaw. No. Imagine if Audrey Hepburn or Miss Manners blogged about poo. That’s what my blog is like. It’s all very ladylike.”

Marcus paused. “Well, I don’t know how to say this… but you don’t seem like… the type.”

He continued. “It’s just very… surprising. Totally unexpected. I’m not sure what to say about it. It’s just kinda… gross.”

AP was taken aback. What is the “type?” And what’s gross about a little friendly poo banter? She had always believed that everyone loved poo.

And with that one, little revelation, the lighthearted conversations that had made their dates so fun ended. AP and Marcus had entered into a deeper, more serious territory. Marcus wasn’t ready to accept this side of AP and AP didn’t want to pretend to be someone she was not just to get a boyfriend.

So AP and Marcus parted ways, with AP vowing to reveal her alter ego earlier in the dating process in the future. She’s even contemplating creating a match.com profile with the username anonymouspoo and the tagline “I blog poo” to separate the real men from the meek. She knows that somewhere, out in the great wide universe, there's a Mr. Anonymous Poo just looking for his soulmate.

Cyclone Nargis

2008-05-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

Image from sos-arsenic.net.

It's time for Anonymous Poo to be serious. Right when she was wallowing in self pity, she read this Op Ed article in the New York Times about the cyclone that recently hit Myanmar.

According to writer Rose George:

"The storm also devastated other things that haven’t made the headlines, but that can mean the difference between life and death: toilets. Even before the cyclone, 75 percent of Burmese had no latrines. Like some 2.6 billion other people worldwide, they do their business by roadsides, on train tracks or wherever they can. But the few latrines that did exist in the Irrawaddy Delta are now flooded or flattened, and their contents have seeped into already filthy waters...

Of course food and water are crucial. But feces can undermine both. If people are eating fecal particles, no amount of high-energy biscuits will make them well. In poor countries, diarrhea is the reason you find malnourished children in well-fed families. It’s why millions of girls drop out of school, and why millions of dollars’ worth of productivity is lost from workers sick with this week’s bout of dysentery."

Unicef is working to ship more latrines to Myanmar. To donate Unicef (perhaps using a bit of your Economic Stimulus rebate check), please visit this site.

After all, everyone deserves decent sanitation and clean water.

Barbarians at the gate

2008-05-21T07:08:00.001-07:00

This week's poo euphemism, brought to you (once again) by Brother Poo:

"Barbarians at the gate."

As in, "I'd love to hear more of that story, possibly over dinner sometime. But, I've got to run now. The barbarians are at the gate."

Eat poo.

2008-05-16T07:15:00.001-07:00

from smackofjellyfish on etsy

Anonymous Poo knows a few people she'd like to send this card to.

(AP also promises to be all sweetness and light next week and thanks you for bearing with her shitty mood this week.)

The State of Bathrooms in the Western World, Part II

2008-05-15T20:26:00.000-07:00

The Uffizi Museum in Florence is possibly one of the most beautiful museums in the world. It has a view of the River Arno, marble floors, fresco-encrusted ceilings... and the most incredible bathrooms ever.

Imagine you've been standing in line for three hours. It's easily 85F outside and you've been consuming bottled water and gelato to stay cool. When you finally get into the museum, do you really want to see art right away? No. You want - need - to use the loo.

But first, you take glass stairs down to the basement. You see the arched, stone foundations of the Uffizi as you walk. You walk on glass floors, viewing the bowels (yes, a cheap pun) of the Uffizi underneath.

Before you even reach the restroom, you've already soaked up part of the history of the building. You've been affected by beauty you didn't know existed in building foundations.

Then you get to the loo - and what a loo it is!

The floors are made of smooth marble. The walls are stone. Each stall is completely enclosed, each has a frosted glass door leading to a spacious, communal sink area.

By the time you're finished using the facilities, you've experienced a hidden gem of Florence. It's almost not necessary to see the art. In fact, it's just about the right time to have another bowl of gelato.

And you leave, regretting only the fact that you didn't take any loo photos for your friends back home.

Photo from the Uffizi Museum site.

This is how Anonymous Poo feels today

2008-05-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

Pink Poo Art Print

Thank you, Frank Kozik. Print available here.

The State of Bathrooms in the Western World, Part I

2008-05-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, when Anonymous Poo was a university student, she spent a semester in Paris (France, not Paris, Texas). She had her own, lovely, studio in the attic of a building in the 17th Arrondissement.

This studio had an electric toilet.

If you are an American, you have probably never encountered an electric toilet. However, you probably have encountered a garbage disposal. Garbage disposals and electric toilets are siblings. They have the same parents, but they've chosen different life paths.

Here's how an electric toilet works: one flushes by pushing a button, then a motor grinds the contents of the toilet into a sluice palatable to French septic systems.

Here's what doesn't work about electric toilets: said sluice has to wait in line behind water before entering the drain. So, if water is in the queue (from the kitchen sink, for example), it jumps to the head of the line and forces the sluice back. And AP means back. Back up the drain of the shower or the kitchen sink.

Yes, eww.

So, AP must admit that despite six months of food and art and fashion and language and architecture, what she remembers most strongly about her life in Paris is learning how to navigate the intricacies and temperament of the French septic system.

Perhaps this experience is a metaphor for learning about another culture. Helas. C'est la vie.

Image from Belmay.

Me need

2008-05-13T20:37:00.003-07:00

Angry Olive Poop Bunny from etsy

AP has had a rough week at work since her return from Italy. This softie from SpiderCamp's etsy shop would turn her frown upside down. Anyone?

You'd be AP's bestest friend...

Poo euphemism of the week - "Take a 'schroeder'"

2008-05-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

Anonymous Poo especially loves this poo euphemism because she knows a real, live Schroeder. Mr. Schroeder is neither brown nor wasteful. He doesn't have a choleric personality. But he has been known to talk about his 130-lb dog, the Hairman's, hot, stinking poo. At dinner. With a smile on his face.

So here's to you, Mr. Schroeder. Schroeders for everyone!

Love

2008-05-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Anonymous Poo is in love... with the Caroma Sydney dual flush toilet.

While the statement above may sound like hyperbole, rest assured that it is not an exaggeration.

You see, AP is also very concerned about the environment. Growing up in California, she has lived with droughts and water rationing. So a toilet that has two flush settings - a full flush (for "solids") and a half flush (for "liquids") - appeals to her green side.

Plus, according to its manufacturers, the Sydney is "virtually unblockable."

Really, what's not to love?

Image from Caroma

"Poo" in Italian is still "poo"

2008-04-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

Anonymous Poo is going to Italy for a much-needed vacation and will be back on May 6th. Poo posts may be sporadic (or nonexistent) until then.

Buona giornata, i miei amici gentili!

Photo from lightmeter.

Kawaii poo

2008-04-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Poo Friends from seiyaleo

Japan has a culture of "kawaii," or cute. Adults buy little trinkets of cute animals, they dress their tiny dogs in silly hand-knit outfits, they anthropomorphise inanimate objects (like teapots) by giving them faces and limbs.

Anonymous Poo hadn't been a fan of this trend. Well, not until now.

It seems that poo has come into favor with the kawaii crowd. Poo brooches (made out of felt, not real poo, silly) abound. Little TP and poo charms dangle from cell phones. One can buy patterns for poo plush toys.

And it's all so cute!

So, Anonymous Poo will start doing a weekly roundup of some of the best kawaii poo merchandise out there. This week, she highlights these items from etsy:

TP and Cell Phone Charm from komodokat

Poo Keychain from shelikescute

Sigh. Anonymous Poo wishes her birthday weren't so far away (for the record, AP's birthday is December 8, dear readers) ...

Curl off a length

2008-04-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

Another poo euphemism from Brother Poo:

"Curl off a length."

As in: "Excuse me while I retire to the john with this week's issue of the 'New Yorker.' I need to curl off a length."

Happy Friday, dear readers!

Everyone poops

2008-04-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

Often, when Anonymous Poo is in a multi-stall public restroom and can hear the woman in the stall next to her straining not to poo, she wants to yell out, "Good lord, just let it out! It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone poos!"

So, AP was delighted when she discovered Everyone Poops on her friend's son's bookshelf. She believes that all children should receive a copy of this book before they can even read. Kids need to learn that there's nothing shameful about appropriately-placed poo so that they don't grow up to be stuffed-up grownups ashamed of a public loo poo.

Anonymous Poo is even contemplating depositing a few copies in her office ladies' room, much like the missionary Gideons and their ubiquitous Bibles.

Toilet dreamin'

2008-04-16T08:28:00.001-07:00

Anonymous Poo had another toilet dream last night. While these dreams are welcome, they are not as welcome as, say, her recurring George Clooney dreams.

But AP digresses.

AP decided to consult the handy dream interpretation site, Dream Moods, to get to the bottom of her dream meanings.

According to the site:

"To see a toilet in your dream, symbolizes a release of emotions or getting rid of something in your life that is useless. If you are cleaning the toilet, then it means that you are starting to shed your shell or lose your inhibitions.

To see a clogged toilet in your dream signifies that you are holding in and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long.

To see an overflowing toilet in your dream, denotes your desires to fully express your emotions."

Hmm... AP declines to write much more for fear she'll share too much information with you, her gentle readers.

Purple monkeys love poo coffee, too

2008-04-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

In response to yesterday's posting about civet cat poo-coated coffee beans, reader T. Benjamin Larsen sent us this link to a short movie he created around a similar subject.

Apparently, purple monkeys love to eat and poo coffee beans, too. Perhaps they and the civet cats should form a jungle-animal-coffee-bean-eating union and demand fair wages and decent benefits.

But this poo/coffee madness needs to stop. What's next? Anonymous Poo worries that the next news item she reads will involve Juan Valdez, some undigested coffee beans and, well, you know...

Poo clue

2008-04-15T07:21:00.001-07:00

Shall we play a game of Poo Clue?

Anonymous Poo has a friend named Poppy*. Poppy and her husband went away for the weekend, leaving their son Hector in the care of Poppy's friend, Todd.

It seemed like a win-win situation for everyone involved. Poppy and her husband got a weekend away, Hector got to eat all the pizza he wanted, and Todd got to entertain his gentleman friend in a spacious flat instead of his studio apartment.

However, upon her return, Poppy went into the bathroom and noticed a very, very large piece of poo in the toilet. At first glance, it wasn't clear whether the toilet had not been flushed post-poo, or if the poo was so large that one flush wasn't enough.

So, Poppy went into Hector's room and asked him if his tummy was all right. "A crap that large isn't normal for a boy your size," she stated.

"No, Ma. I haven't crapped all weekend. That's Todd's."

Poppy put Hector's claims of constipation aside, deciding to address that issue after she had gotten to the bottom of this mystery.

She called Todd and demanded to know why Todd hadn't flushed the toilet, or, if the poo was a clogging three-flusher, why he hadn't plunged.

Todd was miffed. "It isn't mine. I flush."

Poppy wondered if the poo belonged to Todd's gentleman friend, but not knowing how to reach Todd's friend (and suspecting that Todd didn't know Suspect Number Three's number either), she turned to Anonymous Poo for some sleuthing help.

And now AP turns to you, her dear readers, for your help.

Who did it?

Hector?

Todd?

Or Todd's mystery gentleman caller?

Post your response in Comments.

*All names have been changed to protect true identities.

Howdy ho!

2008-04-14T20:23:00.001-07:00

Howdy howdy ho, kids! Anonymous Poo is one happy girl today. She just discovered that full-length South Park episodes are available - for free- online.

She is now able to watch and re-watch her favorite South Park episode, episode #10: "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo."

If you only want to see Mr. Hankey scenes, you can watch those here.

Man oh man oh man... Even though it's only April, Mr. Hankey's presence makes it feel like Christmas.

Poo brew

2008-04-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

According to CNN, the Peter Jones store in London has started selling coffee for $100 a pop. The high price tag is due to the coffee beans' unusual (and labor intensive) cultivation. You see, plantation owners pay subsistence farmers meager wages to pick the coffee beans by hand - out of cat feces.

The poo beans are harvested after being ingested by civet cats. Only 573 pounds of the coffee are produced each year.

The resulting blend is called Caffe Raro and is sold by Italian company De Longhi.

"The cats select the best beans to chew. It's rather like a natural filtering process," said Carie Barkhuzen, a spokeswoman for the Peter Jones store in London's upmarket Sloane Square.

Like civet cats, Anonymous Poo likes high-end coffee beans. And AP is the first to admit that coffee has a pleasing diuretic effect. However, this doesn't mean that AP would shell out $100 for what are essentially poo-covered beans.

AP may be persuaded otherwise, should De Longhi or Peter Jones wish to send her a complementary 3.5 oz bag of coffee for a taste test.

Well, duh.

2008-04-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

Urban Outfitters is selling a brand of toilet paper called Shitbegone. Anonymous Poo wonders how this TP is different from, say, Charmin. Actually, the site states that the TP is recycled. Anonymous Poo would take cushy, Quilted Northern over crunchy-granola-with-an-ironic-twist Shitbegone any day.

Two rolls of Shitbegone cost $4. Perhaps we're paying a premium for the clever but obvious product name. If you asked Anonymous Poo, she'd tell you this is a waste (no pun intended) of money. Once the product is removed from its packaging, no one will ever know that the TP touching their arse is an overpriced novelty item from Urban Outfitters.

Instead, they'll just make fun of you behind your back for stealing the cheap, scratchy TP from your office restroom.

Have a smell

2008-04-11T07:35:00.001-07:00

The Japanese are so weird. Maybe they like the smell of panda poo, but it's clear the panda doesn't.

Image from William Bragg.

Toilet Tattoos

2008-04-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

Anonymous Poo has always dismissed fuzzy toilet lid covers as too spinsterish. They're on her "not" list, alongside puffy vinyl toilet seats, carpeting in bathrooms, and the blue stuff that disinfects toilets each time you flush.

AP is not sure how she feel about these toilet seat tattoos. They might work with an ironic, hipster decor. Might.

But maybe AP is being too harsh. Perhaps the duckies below would inspire her to lower the lid.

Though wouldn't this toilet seat encourage one's child to pee on top of the toilet, rather than in it?

AP thinks she'll stick with a naked toilet seat lid for now. She'll spend the money she saves on designer toilet paper instead.

Tea for Poo

2008-04-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

Who are those delicate, ladylike women giggling in the corner of a cafe, sipping their tea? Why, it's Anonymous Poo and her friend Pants.

And what are they talking about? Duh. They're talking about poo. Actually, they're not just talking. They're playing a game of poo one-upmanship.

Let's listen in on their conversation.

AP: I swear, I lost four pounds this morning.

Pants: Oh yeah? Mine was green from all the spinach I ate yesterday.

AP: Whatever. Mine was sticking up out of the toilet water.

Pants: That's just because you have one of those water-saving, low-flush toilets.

AP: Don't hate just because you're jealous.

Pants: Fwah. Not jealous. Mine came out in one piece. It was so perfect that I wanted to put it in a stroller and and push it around the neighborhood.

Pants won.

Image from Table and Home.

Toilet Paper Foam

2008-04-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Toilet paper is one of the 20th century's great inventions. Aaah! plans to top that with its introduction of toilet paper foam.

Simply apply Aaah ! foam to your TP prior to wiping. It wipes away dry so you're not left feeling wet or sticky - just incredibly fresh and clean.

What a nice way to finish to one of your favorite activities!

Wheat grass and bad dates

2008-04-08T12:09:00.001-07:00

Anonymous Poo had a bad date this weekend. It wasn't just that the guy was self-absorbed, or that he took himself way too seriously; he was also, well, anal-retentive.

One of the best first dates AP ever had was with a guy she'll call Esteban. While walking back from lunch, AP and Esteban passed by a juice bar advertising the health benefits of wheat grass juice.

AP mentioned that she had never tried wheat grass juice and wondered if her bowels were suffering because of that.

Esteban responded, "Really, I find that my morning coffee and a croissant have the same effect." A poo discussion ensued. AP and Esteban dated for a few months after that.

So, while AP was listening to her recent date ramble on about his award-winning film and all the film festivals it has been in, she thought to herself, "If this guy would just allow himself a good crap, he'd stop with the verbal diarrhea."

No such luck. AP is not sorry to say that she won't be going out with this guy again.

Image from Design Mom.

Sprinkle Brigade

2008-04-06T21:39:00.001-07:00

Anonymous Poo's friend tells her that there's a guy in her neighborhood who sticks photographs of Dick Cheney in piles of sidewalk dog poo. While AP believes that dog owners should be good citizens and pick up after their pooches, she must admit that leftover poo is as good a place to slap a political statement as any.

For those of you who don't want to mix your poo with politics, but still want to celebrate the beauty of "poop trouve", there's Sprinkle Brigade.

Sprinkle Brigade patrols the streets of New York in search of doggie dung to poke, prop and photograph. This is alchemy of the highest order - transforming ordinary poo into brilliant works of art, and hilariously naming them with clever titles. Holy crap!

Holy crap, indeed.

What is your poo trying to say?

2008-04-05T08:46:00.001-07:00

According to the publishers, this book is "A tell-all tribute that demystifies the digestive tract, once and for all. Complete with trivia, case histories and yes, illustrations."

Who hasn't experienced D.A.D.S.?

Finally - a book for you and me! It's even co-written by a doctor, so you know it's not completely lowbrow. What's Your Poo Telling You? is available at Urban Outfitters.

Fossilized Feces

2008-04-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

From the BBC News:

"Fossilised faeces found in a US cave may help solve the riddle of when and how humans came to the Americas.

The samples date back just over 14,000 years, before the time of the Clovis culture.

... This and 13 other coprolites - fossilised faeces - proved the star attraction, because they contained tiny quantities of human mitochondrial DNA - genetic material found outside the nuclei of cells which is passed down from each mother to her children."

Read more here.

Who knew feces could fossilize? Anonymous Poo always assumed that such a thing would just decompose and eventually become oil. Well, AP is glad to have learned something new today.

In today's news...

2008-03-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

From Fox News:

Woman Goes for Leg Surgery, Gets New Anus Instead

A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.

The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.

The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital. She still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to do it.

Hmm...

2008-02-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

This was - no kidding - part of my lunch today.

Porcelain Book Club Update 12/19

2007-12-19T14:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long absence. It's certainly not due to any problems on S's end - he's made good progress on "The Magus" and is now on page 600.

A discussion point:

"The mystery woven in this story works because of a very clever and well writ factor - that the main character is skeptical of the web woven around him even before the reader, thus precluding our disbelief and also having us continually want to follow the character because he's always one very short step ahead of us. It gives you no real chance to think laterally since you're always just about to catch up with the character himself, who is kept off balance by the this other character, the weaver of the web of lies."

Deep. Talk amongst yourselves.

Porcelain Book Club Update 12/4

2007-12-04T13:31:00.000-08:00

S is on page 133. Not bad progress. S must be getting lots of fiber.

Deep thoughts and discussion questions to emerge soon.

Ew.

Two Girls, One Cup

2007-12-03T07:15:00.000-08:00

Anonymous Poo finally watched "Two Girls, One Cup." If you would like to see this video, you'll have to google it as I will not be posting a link.

All I can say is that poo is meant to be flushed, not eaten.

That's all.

The Cosby Kids

2007-11-30T09:38:00.000-08:00

Today's euphemism:

"Drop the Cosby kids off at the pool."

For example, "I'll help you hang the Christmas lights, but first I have to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool."

Happy Friday!

Toilet for Two

2007-11-29T11:07:00.000-08:00

As featured on Apartment Therapy today - the toilet that brings couples even closer together!

"The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station."

Poo for two, plus a TV and iPod docking station? Sign me up!

Grow a Tail

2007-11-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

Today's poo euphemism (provided by my brother, Brother Poo) is:

"Grow a tail"

As in "I can't possibly fit any more turkey or stuffing into my stomach until I grow a tail."

Happy Thanksgiving, friends! Tails for everyone!

Update - Porcelain Book Club

2007-11-20T13:31:00.002-08:00

S is on page 56 today. I'm glad he's found the time to read 35 pages since yesterday's update.

I'm sure some deep discussion questions will follow soon.

Andrex the Toilet Paper Pig

2007-11-20T07:12:00.001-08:00

On the Reuters newswire today:

Stowaway Piglet Survives Loo Roll Ordeal

"A piglet nicknamed Andrex is recovering after being found in the back of a lorry full of toilet paper at a supermarket. The animal, thought to be two or three weeks old, was discovered in a delivery at a Tesco store in Ilkeston, Derbyshire.

Staff wrapped the piglet in a duvet and called the RSPCA, a Tesco spokesman said on Tuesday.

He was taken to an animal shelter in Radcliffe-on-Trent, outside Nottingham, suffering from cuts and bruises to his snout."

Clearly the TP wasn't Charmin, otherwise he wouldn't have suffered cuts and bruises to his snout.

Piglets! TP! A piglet joyride in a lorry! Really, does the news get any better than this?

The Porcelain Book Club

2007-11-19T13:25:00.000-08:00

Whenever my coworker S walks by my desk, book in hand, I know that he's planning to spend some quality time in the loo.

So, in honor of Mr. S, I am launching the "Porcelain Book Club." Today, S is reading "The Magus" by John Fowles. He's currently on page 21. I'll post regular page updates for those of you who'd like to follow along. When S has finished the book, he will share a few discussion questions for you to ponder while having a poo.

Quote of the Day

2007-11-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

"I'll literally excuse myself and sit on the toilet somewhere to clear my mind. Pulling the energy in and getting the rest out, the debris, is very important."

-Goldie Hawn

For the poo lover on your Christmas list

2007-11-16T13:43:00.001-08:00

Pooing Santa and Pooing Reindeer from Urban Outfitters. Really, who wouldn't love to receive one of these in their stocking?

I'd eat this

2007-11-16T07:07:00.000-08:00

Ice cream shaped like poo from the Modern Toilet Diner in Taipei - brilliant!