A special glow

Have you ever wondered what makes Posh Spice look so dewy? Well, neither has Anonymous Poo. But AP was tickled when she came across this article in the Daily Mail:


"Victoria and David Beckham's secret to perfect glowing skin: Bird poo"

"Victoria, 34, has been regularly indulging in £100 Geisha Facials, using a paste made from nightingale droppings, to combat acne she has suffered since her teens.

A pal told Closer magazine: 'When Victoria was in Japan recently she was admiring the local women’s clear skin and discovered it was down to these facials.

'She was intrigued and when she got back to the US she found that some New York beauty salons now offer the treatment.

'She tried it and loved how great her skin looked. She also uses a cream derived from nightingale poo at home.'"

As much as Anonymous Poo loves a good facial, she would never smear bird poo on her face. And AP wonders how many nightingales have been harmed in the de-acneification of Posh's skin. Perhaps Posh should talk to Diddy about getting her a free month's supply of Proactiv. Surely Proactiv is more effective than a paste of bird fecal matter.


Then again, maybe AP is just bitter because she's never had a 100 pound beauty treatment.

Beauty and the Beast

Faithful reader Basak snapped this photo while she was out one day and automatically thought of Anonymous Poo. She has titled it "The Beauty and the Beast."

Please admire the beautiful composition, the complementary colors, and the various textures of this photo. Doesn't that fig just make you hungry?

Thanks, Basak!

Why, hello.

Anonymous Poo is back after a long hiatus. She apologizes for her laziness, but promises to be more (ahem) regular with her posting.

She thanks all of her readers for submitting post suggestions during her absence. Keep them coming, friends! Anonymous Poo can't do this all by herself.

Constipated

Anonymous Poo apologizes for the long absence, dear readers. She hasn't had much to say this past month.

Believe it or not, AP has responsibilities outside of her blogging life and hasn't had much time to compose a decent post or research poo in the news. She promises to come back in full force soon.

Pinch a loaf

T-shirt by naughtee available from cafe press.

This week's poo euphemism is an oldie but goodie:

"Pinch a loaf."

As in: "As soon as that bell rings, I'm gonna run to the john. I've gotta pinch a loaf before I soil myself."

Arts and craps

Anonymous Poo wishes she had paid more attention during Home Ec at Girls Club. If she had, she'd know how to crochet and would make this happy guy for all of her friends.

Imagine the look on everyone's face when AP whips out her hook and thread on the bus and proceeds to crochet this guy. Ha!

Anyway, if you are handy with a hook and yarn, head over to puchitomato's blog and get the pattern. Then, send your creation to Anonymous Poo for, er, judging.

Happy crafting!

Image from puchitomato.

Thank you, Craig!

Anonymous Poo found this story on the Best of Craigslist and has to admit that she couldn't have made up a story this good.

Set in a public restroom somewhere in New York, an anonymous man searches for - and then finds - the perfect toilet stall and lets a fart rip, horrifying the man talking on the phone in the stall next to him.

A teaser:

"Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently."

You must read the story. It will make your day.

Build a poopie castle

Anonymous Poo apologizes for forgetting to post a poo euphemism last week. To make up for it, she presents you with an especially delightful (and seasonal) euphemism this week:

"Build a poopie castle."

As in: "Yes, sweetie, Mommy will help you build a sand castle, but she has to build a poopie castle first."

Happy summer, dear readers!

"Poor" Farrah Fawcett

According to today's New York Post, Farrah Fawcett has profited mightily from her ongoing battle with anal cancer:

"She worked a financial deal with "Entertainment Tonight" earlier this year where the show followed her around to treatments and showed Fawcett's friends videotaping her ordeal. Now, the footage shot by Fawcett's pals is being sold to NBC for "over $2 million," said a source.

Well, good for her. But what a terrible way to make a living. Godspeed, Farrah Fawcett!

Photo from Sign On San Diego.

To the ladies of the 7th floor

If you feel the need to chat on your cell phone while using the multi-stall ladies' room, Anonymous Poo will feel the need to flush the toilet multiple times.

That's all.

A fail indeed

Now how did this little guy manage to get his poo on the wall? He either has very good or very bad aim.

Photo from faildogs.com.

A doubly-deep hole

u-dig-it camping trowel from Ron's Detectors.

Believe it or not, Anonymous Poo loves backpacking. A few years ago, she hiked from Saddlebag Lake, in Inyo National Forest, to Upper McCabe Lake, in the eastern edge of Yosemite. At an elevation of almost 11,000 feet, Upper McCabe Lake is above the treeline - that high up, (of course) there are no trees, visibility is high, and the ground is rocky.

Which means no woods, no privacy, and no easy digging of toilets.

In case you are unfamiliar with backpacking etiquette, to protect the frail environment and prevent any unsanitary conditions when using nature as your facilities, you should not utilize the same area repeatedly. But this is difficult when you are backpacking with seven other people, there are no trees to shield you, and the soil is rocky. You either have to walk a mile to find an untouched rock to squat behind (if you're a lady), or you have to convince your friends to simultaneously look away while you do your business. Never are anatomical gender differences more pronounced than when relieving yourself in nature.

Anyway, on her first morning at Upper McCabe, AP woke up early and staked a claim behind the largest and closest rock. Her companions weren't pleased. While AP made breakfast (bacon and pancakes and piping hot coffee), her friends plotted out their bathroom usage.

It was finally decided that the remaining ladies had first choice. When Mike (one of the less chivalrous men) objected, Cara (a wispy, 5-foot-tall former ballerina), looked at him, held up the potty trowel, and asked,

"Well, Mike - would you like me to dig a doubly-deep hole? I don't mind sharing."

Mike was quiet for a moment. He had an obvious crush on Cara, but wasn't yet ready for this degree of intimacy. "Umm, no."

"Fine, have it your way." And with that, Cara trotted off to the second-closest rock to do her business.

The moral of the story, gentle readers? Easy - the early bird gets a choice spot in which to park some bark, and gets to enjoy a cup of fresh, hot coffee sooner too.

More kawaii poo

Poo and Paper Amigurumi Friends

Oh, love the button eyes! Love the slightly stunned look on Poo's face - and the big, string smile on TP's.

From artontherun's etsy shop. Love, love, love...

Barefoot in the park

Many years ago, Anonymous Poo had a friend named Andie. Andie had grown up in the hills of Tennessee, where her closest neighbor was a mile away.

One day when she was seven or eight, Andie was running barefoot through the grass when she stepped in a large, fresh pile of poo. The poo was so fresh that it oozed through her toes. She never figured out whether it was human, dog, or cow poo; she just washed her feet and continued to play.

So, when AP read the article "Barefoot in the Park?" in the New York Times, she wondered if we're not getting a little too germ-phobic. The article states:

" ... the experts say, it is the grass in many city parks, so innocent-looking, so tempting, so redolent of the free-spirited days of childhood, that may pose the most unexpected risks, because unlike a rusty nail, they are invisible to the naked eye.

Bacteria are everywhere, from the sidewalks to the subway, and normally, the skin forms a fairly good barrier to infection, doctors said. In general, people with cuts or cracks on their feet or people with compromised immune systems are more likely to pick up an infection from walking barefoot. But getting wet feet by walking barefoot in damp grass can damage the skin’s natural barrier, allowing infections to take hold, said Dr. Giuseppe Militello, an assistant professor of clinical dermatology at Columbia University."

Whatever. People have been running barefoot in the grass for thousands of years. Anonymous Poo herself played shoeless on the family lawn (when her mother wasn't looking) and has somehow managed to survive.

It's summer, dear readers. Take off your shoes and romp through the grass. And if you happen to step in a pile of fresh poo, just wash your feet.

Photo from the New York Times.

"To bleach, or not to bleach?" - that is the question.

Anal bleaching is quite in vogue these days. Apparently, a light-colored anus gives one a "younger-looking appearance." And, because bleached anuses are becoming de rigueur in much modern film of an erotic nature, they satisfy the cravings of demanding partners who watch a lot of porn.

Anyway, Anonymous Poo hadn’t known that a plump, pink sphincter was all the rage. She hasn’t looked at her anal area closely lately; should she be worried that her anus brands her as a hag?

So, in a quest for perpetual youth (a quest, by the way, that is frequently thwarted by numerous glasses of Manhattans and the occasional late night spent watching "Pride and Prejudice"), AP decided to get to the, err, bottom of this "treatment." She consulted her friendly Internets, and discovered the following:

• The active ingredient in anal bleach is often hydroquinone. Hydroquinone is primarily used to treat hyperpigmentation (i.e. freckles, acne scars) on your face. Hydroquinone is also banned in much of Europe because it is carcinogenic. Cancer of the ass? No, thank you.
  

• One can buy a DIY anal bleach kit, or pay a professional aesthetician (notice that AP skips this opportunity for a cheap joke) to administer the treatment. Now, really – if you can’t reach it or see it yourself, does it really need to bleached? And also, what sad, sad professional aesthetician administers this treatment? Is this punishment for failing Brazilian bikini wax school?

• One can prevent anal staining and therefore reduce the need for anal bleaching by avoiding certain dark-colored foods, such as coffee, wine, berry juice and tea. Sure, your anal area is young, but is abstaining from wine and caffeine worth it?
  

Anonymous Poo thinks this is all too much work simply for the sake of a pink and youthful sphincter. Perhaps a little fiber and a healthy attitude towards one’s poohole are called for here. Let your sphincters be, gentle people. Just let them be.

p.s. This site delighted Anonymous Poo. In addition to selling anal bleach, it also purveys all kinds of things she thought only existed in the land of Austin Powers movies and email spam.

Poo you (that's right - you)!

Ever wanted to send someone a bit of poo (out of disappointment, not out of love)? Well, Poo You makes it easy - and legal - for you to poo someone.

Perhaps someone stole the seat you'd been eying on the bus this morning. Maybe your evil coworker stole another one of your brilliant ideas. Or maybe your ex-boyfriend has been drunk texting you again. Well, tell all off them exactly how you feel by sending them a box of Poo You's poo!

This isn't some silly gimmick that parades itself as poo, but really is a piece of toxic, plastic crap made in China. No, Poo You's poo is truly 100% poo, made by worms. Oh, don't worry - it has been naturally sterilized and is odor free. Heck, it's 100% organic and 100% biodegradable.

Anonymous Poo is making her list and checking it twice. Problem is, the product is so clever and so beautifully packaged that she's not sure whether to send it to enemies or to friends...

Images from Poo You.

Disemfiber

This week's poo euphemism:

"Disemfiber"

As in: "Of course, dear, Johnnie can come out to play - as soon as he disemfibers."

This dog didn't really fail...

... he's been caught doing his business on Google Maps. How cool is that?

Anonymous Poo thinks this feat is a success, not a failure. AP gives him an "A+," not an "F."

By the way, Faildogs is the most brilliant site.

On remaining Anonymous

Anonymous Poo recently dated a guy she’ll call Marcus. AP and Marcus had a lot in common. Their dates were great – flirtatious and entertaining. They managed to keep a great shtick going for hours.

After a few weeks, things seemed to be going well, so Anonymous Poo decided to tell Marcus more about her hobbies. Over dinner one night, AP leaned in and told Marcus, “I have a confession to make. I haven’t been completely honest with you about my extracurricular activities.”

A strange look passed over Marcus’ face. It was a momentary look of fear, clouded over by a look of curiosity. He took a slow sip of his wine (a nice rose, to go with the poached fish he was eating), then inhaled deeply, and said…

“Hmm… intriguing. What?”

“Well,” AP started. “I have a blog. About poo.”

“Umm… did you just say ‘poo?’”

“Yes. I blog about poo.”

“Like descriptions? With photos?”

“Pshaw. No. Imagine if Audrey Hepburn or Miss Manners blogged about poo. That’s what my blog is like. It’s all very ladylike.”

Marcus paused. “Well, I don’t know how to say this… but you don’t seem like… the type.”

He continued. “It’s just very… surprising. Totally unexpected. I’m not sure what to say about it. It’s just kinda… gross.”

AP was taken aback. What is the “type?” And what’s gross about a little friendly poo banter? She had always believed that everyone loved poo.

And with that one, little revelation, the lighthearted conversations that had made their dates so fun ended. AP and Marcus had entered into a deeper, more serious territory. Marcus wasn’t ready to accept this side of AP and AP didn’t want to pretend to be someone she was not just to get a boyfriend.

So AP and Marcus parted ways, with AP vowing to reveal her alter ego earlier in the dating process in the future. She’s even contemplating creating a match.com profile with the username anonymouspoo and the tagline “I blog poo” to separate the real men from the meek. She knows that somewhere, out in the great wide universe, there's a Mr. Anonymous Poo just looking for his soulmate.

Cyclone Nargis

Image from sos-arsenic.net.

It's time for Anonymous Poo to be serious. Right when she was wallowing in self pity, she read this Op Ed article in the New York Times about the cyclone that recently hit Myanmar.

According to writer Rose George:

"The storm also devastated other things that haven’t made the headlines, but that can mean the difference between life and death: toilets. Even before the cyclone, 75 percent of Burmese had no latrines. Like some 2.6 billion other people worldwide, they do their business by roadsides, on train tracks or wherever they can. But the few latrines that did exist in the Irrawaddy Delta are now flooded or flattened, and their contents have seeped into already filthy waters...

Of course food and water are crucial. But feces can undermine both. If people are eating fecal particles, no amount of high-energy biscuits will make them well. In poor countries, diarrhea is the reason you find malnourished children in well-fed families. It’s why millions of girls drop out of school, and why millions of dollars’ worth of productivity is lost from workers sick with this week’s bout of dysentery."

Unicef is working to ship more latrines to Myanmar. To donate Unicef (perhaps using a bit of your Economic Stimulus rebate check), please visit this site.

After all, everyone deserves decent sanitation and clean water.