"To bleach, or not to bleach?" - that is the question.

Anal bleaching is quite in vogue these days. Apparently, a light-colored anus gives one a "younger-looking appearance." And, because bleached anuses are becoming de rigueur in much modern film of an erotic nature, they satisfy the cravings of demanding partners who watch a lot of porn.

Anyway, Anonymous Poo hadn’t known that a plump, pink sphincter was all the rage. She hasn’t looked at her anal area closely lately; should she be worried that her anus brands her as a hag?

So, in a quest for perpetual youth (a quest, by the way, that is frequently thwarted by numerous glasses of Manhattans and the occasional late night spent watching "Pride and Prejudice"), AP decided to get to the, err, bottom of this "treatment." She consulted her friendly Internets, and discovered the following:

• The active ingredient in anal bleach is often hydroquinone. Hydroquinone is primarily used to treat hyperpigmentation (i.e. freckles, acne scars) on your face. Hydroquinone is also banned in much of Europe because it is carcinogenic. Cancer of the ass? No, thank you.
  

• One can buy a DIY anal bleach kit, or pay a professional aesthetician (notice that AP skips this opportunity for a cheap joke) to administer the treatment. Now, really – if you can’t reach it or see it yourself, does it really need to bleached? And also, what sad, sad professional aesthetician administers this treatment? Is this punishment for failing Brazilian bikini wax school?

• One can prevent anal staining and therefore reduce the need for anal bleaching by avoiding certain dark-colored foods, such as coffee, wine, berry juice and tea. Sure, your anal area is young, but is abstaining from wine and caffeine worth it?
  

Anonymous Poo thinks this is all too much work simply for the sake of a pink and youthful sphincter. Perhaps a little fiber and a healthy attitude towards one’s poohole are called for here. Let your sphincters be, gentle people. Just let them be.

p.s. This site delighted Anonymous Poo. In addition to selling anal bleach, it also purveys all kinds of things she thought only existed in the land of Austin Powers movies and email spam.

Poo you (that's right - you)!

Ever wanted to send someone a bit of poo (out of disappointment, not out of love)? Well, Poo You makes it easy - and legal - for you to poo someone.

Perhaps someone stole the seat you'd been eying on the bus this morning. Maybe your evil coworker stole another one of your brilliant ideas. Or maybe your ex-boyfriend has been drunk texting you again. Well, tell all off them exactly how you feel by sending them a box of Poo You's poo!

This isn't some silly gimmick that parades itself as poo, but really is a piece of toxic, plastic crap made in China. No, Poo You's poo is truly 100% poo, made by worms. Oh, don't worry - it has been naturally sterilized and is odor free. Heck, it's 100% organic and 100% biodegradable.

Anonymous Poo is making her list and checking it twice. Problem is, the product is so clever and so beautifully packaged that she's not sure whether to send it to enemies or to friends...

Images from Poo You.

Disemfiber

This week's poo euphemism:

"Disemfiber"

As in: "Of course, dear, Johnnie can come out to play - as soon as he disemfibers."

This dog didn't really fail...

... he's been caught doing his business on Google Maps. How cool is that?

Anonymous Poo thinks this feat is a success, not a failure. AP gives him an "A+," not an "F."

By the way, Faildogs is the most brilliant site.

On remaining Anonymous

Anonymous Poo recently dated a guy she’ll call Marcus. AP and Marcus had a lot in common. Their dates were great – flirtatious and entertaining. They managed to keep a great shtick going for hours.

After a few weeks, things seemed to be going well, so Anonymous Poo decided to tell Marcus more about her hobbies. Over dinner one night, AP leaned in and told Marcus, “I have a confession to make. I haven’t been completely honest with you about my extracurricular activities.”

A strange look passed over Marcus’ face. It was a momentary look of fear, clouded over by a look of curiosity. He took a slow sip of his wine (a nice rose, to go with the poached fish he was eating), then inhaled deeply, and said…

“Hmm… intriguing. What?”

“Well,” AP started. “I have a blog. About poo.”

“Umm… did you just say ‘poo?’”

“Yes. I blog about poo.”

“Like descriptions? With photos?”

“Pshaw. No. Imagine if Audrey Hepburn or Miss Manners blogged about poo. That’s what my blog is like. It’s all very ladylike.”

Marcus paused. “Well, I don’t know how to say this… but you don’t seem like… the type.”

He continued. “It’s just very… surprising. Totally unexpected. I’m not sure what to say about it. It’s just kinda… gross.”

AP was taken aback. What is the “type?” And what’s gross about a little friendly poo banter? She had always believed that everyone loved poo.

And with that one, little revelation, the lighthearted conversations that had made their dates so fun ended. AP and Marcus had entered into a deeper, more serious territory. Marcus wasn’t ready to accept this side of AP and AP didn’t want to pretend to be someone she was not just to get a boyfriend.

So AP and Marcus parted ways, with AP vowing to reveal her alter ego earlier in the dating process in the future. She’s even contemplating creating a match.com profile with the username anonymouspoo and the tagline “I blog poo” to separate the real men from the meek. She knows that somewhere, out in the great wide universe, there's a Mr. Anonymous Poo just looking for his soulmate.

Cyclone Nargis

Image from sos-arsenic.net.

It's time for Anonymous Poo to be serious. Right when she was wallowing in self pity, she read this Op Ed article in the New York Times about the cyclone that recently hit Myanmar.

According to writer Rose George:

"The storm also devastated other things that haven’t made the headlines, but that can mean the difference between life and death: toilets. Even before the cyclone, 75 percent of Burmese had no latrines. Like some 2.6 billion other people worldwide, they do their business by roadsides, on train tracks or wherever they can. But the few latrines that did exist in the Irrawaddy Delta are now flooded or flattened, and their contents have seeped into already filthy waters...

Of course food and water are crucial. But feces can undermine both. If people are eating fecal particles, no amount of high-energy biscuits will make them well. In poor countries, diarrhea is the reason you find malnourished children in well-fed families. It’s why millions of girls drop out of school, and why millions of dollars’ worth of productivity is lost from workers sick with this week’s bout of dysentery."

Unicef is working to ship more latrines to Myanmar. To donate Unicef (perhaps using a bit of your Economic Stimulus rebate check), please visit this site.

After all, everyone deserves decent sanitation and clean water.

Barbarians at the gate

This week's poo euphemism, brought to you (once again) by Brother Poo:

"Barbarians at the gate."

As in, "I'd love to hear more of that story, possibly over dinner sometime. But, I've got to run now. The barbarians are at the gate."

Eat poo.

from smackofjellyfish on etsy

Anonymous Poo knows a few people she'd like to send this card to.


(AP also promises to be all sweetness and light next week and thanks you for bearing with her shitty mood this week.)

The State of Bathrooms in the Western World, Part II

The Uffizi Museum in Florence is possibly one of the most beautiful museums in the world. It has a view of the River Arno, marble floors, fresco-encrusted ceilings... and the most incredible bathrooms ever.

Imagine you've been standing in line for three hours. It's easily 85F outside and you've been consuming bottled water and gelato to stay cool. When you finally get into the museum, do you really want to see art right away? No. You want - need - to use the loo.

But first, you take glass stairs down to the basement. You see the arched, stone foundations of the Uffizi as you walk. You walk on glass floors, viewing the bowels (yes, a cheap pun) of the Uffizi underneath.

Before you even reach the restroom, you've already soaked up part of the history of the building. You've been affected by beauty you didn't know existed in building foundations.

Then you get to the loo - and what a loo it is!

The floors are made of smooth marble. The walls are stone. Each stall is completely enclosed, each has a frosted glass door leading to a spacious, communal sink area.

By the time you're finished using the facilities, you've experienced a hidden gem of Florence. It's almost not necessary to see the art. In fact, it's just about the right time to have another bowl of gelato.

And you leave, regretting only the fact that you didn't take any loo photos for your friends back home.

Photo from the Uffizi Museum site.

This is how Anonymous Poo feels today

Pink Poo Art Print

Thank you, Frank Kozik. Print available here.

The State of Bathrooms in the Western World, Part I

Many years ago, when Anonymous Poo was a university student, she spent a semester in Paris (France, not Paris, Texas). She had her own, lovely, studio in the attic of a building in the 17th Arrondissement.

This studio had an electric toilet.

If you are an American, you have probably never encountered an electric toilet. However, you probably have encountered a garbage disposal. Garbage disposals and electric toilets are siblings. They have the same parents, but they've chosen different life paths.

Here's how an electric toilet works: one flushes by pushing a button, then a motor grinds the contents of the toilet into a sluice palatable to French septic systems.

Here's what doesn't work about electric toilets: said sluice has to wait in line behind water before entering the drain. So, if water is in the queue (from the kitchen sink, for example), it jumps to the head of the line and forces the sluice back. And AP means back. Back up the drain of the shower or the kitchen sink.

Yes, eww.

So, AP must admit that despite six months of food and art and fashion and language and architecture, what she remembers most strongly about her life in Paris is learning how to navigate the intricacies and temperament of the French septic system.

Perhaps this experience is a metaphor for learning about another culture. Helas. C'est la vie.

Image from Belmay.

Me need

Angry Olive Poop Bunny from etsy

AP has had a rough week at work since her return from Italy. This softie from SpiderCamp's etsy shop would turn her frown upside down. Anyone?

You'd be AP's bestest friend...

Poo euphemism of the week - "Take a 'schroeder'"

Anonymous Poo especially loves this poo euphemism because she knows a real, live Schroeder. Mr. Schroeder is neither brown nor wasteful. He doesn't have a choleric personality. But he has been known to talk about his 130-lb dog, the Hairman's, hot, stinking poo. At dinner. With a smile on his face.

So here's to you, Mr. Schroeder. Schroeders for everyone!

Love

Anonymous Poo is in love... with the Caroma Sydney dual flush toilet.

While the statement above may sound like hyperbole, rest assured that it is not an exaggeration.

You see, AP is also very concerned about the environment. Growing up in California, she has lived with droughts and water rationing. So a toilet that has two flush settings - a full flush (for "solids") and a half flush (for "liquids") - appeals to her green side.

Plus, according to its manufacturers, the Sydney is "virtually unblockable."

Really, what's not to love?

Image from Caroma