Beauty and the Beast

Faithful reader Basak snapped this photo while she was out one day and automatically thought of Anonymous Poo. She has titled it "The Beauty and the Beast."

Please admire the beautiful composition, the complementary colors, and the various textures of this photo. Doesn't that fig just make you hungry?

Thanks, Basak!

Constipated

Anonymous Poo apologizes for the long absence, dear readers. She hasn't had much to say this past month.

Believe it or not, AP has responsibilities outside of her blogging life and hasn't had much time to compose a decent post or research poo in the news. She promises to come back in full force soon.

To the ladies of the 7th floor

If you feel the need to chat on your cell phone while using the multi-stall ladies' room, Anonymous Poo will feel the need to flush the toilet multiple times.

That's all.

A fail indeed

Now how did this little guy manage to get his poo on the wall? He either has very good or very bad aim.

Photo from faildogs.com.

"To bleach, or not to bleach?" - that is the question.

Anal bleaching is quite in vogue these days. Apparently, a light-colored anus gives one a "younger-looking appearance." And, because bleached anuses are becoming de rigueur in much modern film of an erotic nature, they satisfy the cravings of demanding partners who watch a lot of porn.

Anyway, Anonymous Poo hadn’t known that a plump, pink sphincter was all the rage. She hasn’t looked at her anal area closely lately; should she be worried that her anus brands her as a hag?

So, in a quest for perpetual youth (a quest, by the way, that is frequently thwarted by numerous glasses of Manhattans and the occasional late night spent watching "Pride and Prejudice"), AP decided to get to the, err, bottom of this "treatment." She consulted her friendly Internets, and discovered the following:

• The active ingredient in anal bleach is often hydroquinone. Hydroquinone is primarily used to treat hyperpigmentation (i.e. freckles, acne scars) on your face. Hydroquinone is also banned in much of Europe because it is carcinogenic. Cancer of the ass? No, thank you.
  

• One can buy a DIY anal bleach kit, or pay a professional aesthetician (notice that AP skips this opportunity for a cheap joke) to administer the treatment. Now, really – if you can’t reach it or see it yourself, does it really need to bleached? And also, what sad, sad professional aesthetician administers this treatment? Is this punishment for failing Brazilian bikini wax school?

• One can prevent anal staining and therefore reduce the need for anal bleaching by avoiding certain dark-colored foods, such as coffee, wine, berry juice and tea. Sure, your anal area is young, but is abstaining from wine and caffeine worth it?
  

Anonymous Poo thinks this is all too much work simply for the sake of a pink and youthful sphincter. Perhaps a little fiber and a healthy attitude towards one’s poohole are called for here. Let your sphincters be, gentle people. Just let them be.

p.s. This site delighted Anonymous Poo. In addition to selling anal bleach, it also purveys all kinds of things she thought only existed in the land of Austin Powers movies and email spam.

On remaining Anonymous

Anonymous Poo recently dated a guy she’ll call Marcus. AP and Marcus had a lot in common. Their dates were great – flirtatious and entertaining. They managed to keep a great shtick going for hours.

After a few weeks, things seemed to be going well, so Anonymous Poo decided to tell Marcus more about her hobbies. Over dinner one night, AP leaned in and told Marcus, “I have a confession to make. I haven’t been completely honest with you about my extracurricular activities.”

A strange look passed over Marcus’ face. It was a momentary look of fear, clouded over by a look of curiosity. He took a slow sip of his wine (a nice rose, to go with the poached fish he was eating), then inhaled deeply, and said…

“Hmm… intriguing. What?”

“Well,” AP started. “I have a blog. About poo.”

“Umm… did you just say ‘poo?’”

“Yes. I blog about poo.”

“Like descriptions? With photos?”

“Pshaw. No. Imagine if Audrey Hepburn or Miss Manners blogged about poo. That’s what my blog is like. It’s all very ladylike.”

Marcus paused. “Well, I don’t know how to say this… but you don’t seem like… the type.”

He continued. “It’s just very… surprising. Totally unexpected. I’m not sure what to say about it. It’s just kinda… gross.”

AP was taken aback. What is the “type?” And what’s gross about a little friendly poo banter? She had always believed that everyone loved poo.

And with that one, little revelation, the lighthearted conversations that had made their dates so fun ended. AP and Marcus had entered into a deeper, more serious territory. Marcus wasn’t ready to accept this side of AP and AP didn’t want to pretend to be someone she was not just to get a boyfriend.

So AP and Marcus parted ways, with AP vowing to reveal her alter ego earlier in the dating process in the future. She’s even contemplating creating a match.com profile with the username anonymouspoo and the tagline “I blog poo” to separate the real men from the meek. She knows that somewhere, out in the great wide universe, there's a Mr. Anonymous Poo just looking for his soulmate.

The State of Bathrooms in the Western World, Part I

Many years ago, when Anonymous Poo was a university student, she spent a semester in Paris (France, not Paris, Texas). She had her own, lovely, studio in the attic of a building in the 17th Arrondissement.

This studio had an electric toilet.

If you are an American, you have probably never encountered an electric toilet. However, you probably have encountered a garbage disposal. Garbage disposals and electric toilets are siblings. They have the same parents, but they've chosen different life paths.

Here's how an electric toilet works: one flushes by pushing a button, then a motor grinds the contents of the toilet into a sluice palatable to French septic systems.

Here's what doesn't work about electric toilets: said sluice has to wait in line behind water before entering the drain. So, if water is in the queue (from the kitchen sink, for example), it jumps to the head of the line and forces the sluice back. And AP means back. Back up the drain of the shower or the kitchen sink.

Yes, eww.

So, AP must admit that despite six months of food and art and fashion and language and architecture, what she remembers most strongly about her life in Paris is learning how to navigate the intricacies and temperament of the French septic system.

Perhaps this experience is a metaphor for learning about another culture. Helas. C'est la vie.

Image from Belmay.

"Poo" in Italian is still "poo"

Anonymous Poo is going to Italy for a much-needed vacation and will be back on May 6th. Poo posts may be sporadic (or nonexistent) until then.

Buona giornata, i miei amici gentili!

Photo from lightmeter.

Toilet dreamin'

Anonymous Poo had another toilet dream last night. While these dreams are welcome, they are not as welcome as, say, her recurring George Clooney dreams.

But AP digresses.

AP decided to consult the handy dream interpretation site, Dream Moods, to get to the bottom of her dream meanings.

According to the site:

"To see a toilet in your dream, symbolizes a release of emotions or getting rid of something in your life that is useless. If you are cleaning the toilet, then it means that you are starting to shed your shell or lose your inhibitions.

To see a clogged toilet in your dream signifies that you are holding in and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long.

To see an overflowing toilet in your dream, denotes your desires to fully express your emotions."

Hmm... AP declines to write much more for fear she'll share too much information with you, her gentle readers.

Tea for Poo

Who are those delicate, ladylike women giggling in the corner of a cafe, sipping their tea? Why, it's Anonymous Poo and her friend Pants.

And what are they talking about? Duh. They're talking about poo. Actually, they're not just talking. They're playing a game of poo one-upmanship.

Let's listen in on their conversation.

AP: I swear, I lost four pounds this morning.

Pants: Oh yeah? Mine was green from all the spinach I ate yesterday.

AP: Whatever. Mine was sticking up out of the toilet water.

Pants: That's just because you have one of those water-saving, low-flush toilets.

AP: Don't hate just because you're jealous.

Pants: Fwah. Not jealous. Mine came out in one piece. It was so perfect that I wanted to put it in a stroller and and push it around the neighborhood.

Pants won.

Image from Table and Home.

Wheat grass and bad dates

Anonymous Poo had a bad date this weekend. It wasn't just that the guy was self-absorbed, or that he took himself way too seriously; he was also, well, anal-retentive.

One of the best first dates AP ever had was with a guy she'll call Esteban. While walking back from lunch, AP and Esteban passed by a juice bar advertising the health benefits of wheat grass juice.

AP mentioned that she had never tried wheat grass juice and wondered if her bowels were suffering because of that.

Esteban responded, "Really, I find that my morning coffee and a croissant have the same effect." A poo discussion ensued. AP and Esteban dated for a few months after that.

So, while AP was listening to her recent date ramble on about his award-winning film and all the film festivals it has been in, she thought to herself, "If this guy would just allow himself a good crap, he'd stop with the verbal diarrhea."

No such luck. AP is not sorry to say that she won't be going out with this guy again.


Image from Design Mom.