Pinch a loaf

T-shirt by naughtee available from cafe press.

This week's poo euphemism is an oldie but goodie:

"Pinch a loaf."

As in: "As soon as that bell rings, I'm gonna run to the john. I've gotta pinch a loaf before I soil myself."

Arts and craps

Anonymous Poo wishes she had paid more attention during Home Ec at Girls Club. If she had, she'd know how to crochet and would make this happy guy for all of her friends.

Imagine the look on everyone's face when AP whips out her hook and thread on the bus and proceeds to crochet this guy. Ha!

Anyway, if you are handy with a hook and yarn, head over to puchitomato's blog and get the pattern. Then, send your creation to Anonymous Poo for, er, judging.

Happy crafting!

Image from puchitomato.

Thank you, Craig!

Anonymous Poo found this story on the Best of Craigslist and has to admit that she couldn't have made up a story this good.

Set in a public restroom somewhere in New York, an anonymous man searches for - and then finds - the perfect toilet stall and lets a fart rip, horrifying the man talking on the phone in the stall next to him.

A teaser:

"Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently."

You must read the story. It will make your day.

Build a poopie castle

Anonymous Poo apologizes for forgetting to post a poo euphemism last week. To make up for it, she presents you with an especially delightful (and seasonal) euphemism this week:

"Build a poopie castle."

As in: "Yes, sweetie, Mommy will help you build a sand castle, but she has to build a poopie castle first."

Happy summer, dear readers!

"Poor" Farrah Fawcett

According to today's New York Post, Farrah Fawcett has profited mightily from her ongoing battle with anal cancer:

"She worked a financial deal with "Entertainment Tonight" earlier this year where the show followed her around to treatments and showed Fawcett's friends videotaping her ordeal. Now, the footage shot by Fawcett's pals is being sold to NBC for "over $2 million," said a source.

Well, good for her. But what a terrible way to make a living. Godspeed, Farrah Fawcett!

Photo from Sign On San Diego.

To the ladies of the 7th floor

If you feel the need to chat on your cell phone while using the multi-stall ladies' room, Anonymous Poo will feel the need to flush the toilet multiple times.

That's all.

A fail indeed

Now how did this little guy manage to get his poo on the wall? He either has very good or very bad aim.

Photo from faildogs.com.

A doubly-deep hole

u-dig-it camping trowel from Ron's Detectors.

Believe it or not, Anonymous Poo loves backpacking. A few years ago, she hiked from Saddlebag Lake, in Inyo National Forest, to Upper McCabe Lake, in the eastern edge of Yosemite. At an elevation of almost 11,000 feet, Upper McCabe Lake is above the treeline - that high up, (of course) there are no trees, visibility is high, and the ground is rocky.

Which means no woods, no privacy, and no easy digging of toilets.

In case you are unfamiliar with backpacking etiquette, to protect the frail environment and prevent any unsanitary conditions when using nature as your facilities, you should not utilize the same area repeatedly. But this is difficult when you are backpacking with seven other people, there are no trees to shield you, and the soil is rocky. You either have to walk a mile to find an untouched rock to squat behind (if you're a lady), or you have to convince your friends to simultaneously look away while you do your business. Never are anatomical gender differences more pronounced than when relieving yourself in nature.

Anyway, on her first morning at Upper McCabe, AP woke up early and staked a claim behind the largest and closest rock. Her companions weren't pleased. While AP made breakfast (bacon and pancakes and piping hot coffee), her friends plotted out their bathroom usage.

It was finally decided that the remaining ladies had first choice. When Mike (one of the less chivalrous men) objected, Cara (a wispy, 5-foot-tall former ballerina), looked at him, held up the potty trowel, and asked,

"Well, Mike - would you like me to dig a doubly-deep hole? I don't mind sharing."

Mike was quiet for a moment. He had an obvious crush on Cara, but wasn't yet ready for this degree of intimacy. "Umm, no."

"Fine, have it your way." And with that, Cara trotted off to the second-closest rock to do her business.

The moral of the story, gentle readers? Easy - the early bird gets a choice spot in which to park some bark, and gets to enjoy a cup of fresh, hot coffee sooner too.

More kawaii poo

Poo and Paper Amigurumi Friends

Oh, love the button eyes! Love the slightly stunned look on Poo's face - and the big, string smile on TP's.

From artontherun's etsy shop. Love, love, love...

Barefoot in the park

Many years ago, Anonymous Poo had a friend named Andie. Andie had grown up in the hills of Tennessee, where her closest neighbor was a mile away.

One day when she was seven or eight, Andie was running barefoot through the grass when she stepped in a large, fresh pile of poo. The poo was so fresh that it oozed through her toes. She never figured out whether it was human, dog, or cow poo; she just washed her feet and continued to play.

So, when AP read the article "Barefoot in the Park?" in the New York Times, she wondered if we're not getting a little too germ-phobic. The article states:

" ... the experts say, it is the grass in many city parks, so innocent-looking, so tempting, so redolent of the free-spirited days of childhood, that may pose the most unexpected risks, because unlike a rusty nail, they are invisible to the naked eye.

Bacteria are everywhere, from the sidewalks to the subway, and normally, the skin forms a fairly good barrier to infection, doctors said. In general, people with cuts or cracks on their feet or people with compromised immune systems are more likely to pick up an infection from walking barefoot. But getting wet feet by walking barefoot in damp grass can damage the skin’s natural barrier, allowing infections to take hold, said Dr. Giuseppe Militello, an assistant professor of clinical dermatology at Columbia University."

Whatever. People have been running barefoot in the grass for thousands of years. Anonymous Poo herself played shoeless on the family lawn (when her mother wasn't looking) and has somehow managed to survive.

It's summer, dear readers. Take off your shoes and romp through the grass. And if you happen to step in a pile of fresh poo, just wash your feet.

Photo from the New York Times.